What do a fast food restaurant and
a wedding chapel have in common? In both places within the same week I was reminded
that my ongoing foibles and failures are visible to everyone!
I had just been to the doctor for a
physical where I had experienced needles of all sorts. And, in order to
accommodate the nurse’s poised needle, ready to find its appropriate mark, I had
to remove my vest so I could roll up my sleeves and expose the vulnerable spot.
Following this human pin-cushion experience, I hastily buttoned up my shirt,
rolled down my sleeves and threw on my vest. I could not extract myself fast
enough from that place!
A few
minutes later, standing in line to get my lunch order, a gentleman came up
behind me and I heard the words, “Excuse me. Sir, excuse me. You have your vest
on wrong-side out.” I glanced down in that incredible moment of disbelief! How
could I have done such an embarrassing thing to myself? Will this faux pas scar my fragile ego forever?!
Quickly processing this misstep, I graciously thanked the gentleman and told
him how thankful I was that he took the risk and alerted me to my plight.
You
would think one experience of this would be enough! But no…in my case it
happened twice in one week. This next time it was my collar turned up at a
wedding! Again, the instant incredible recognition of disbelief! How could I do
this to myself, especially at a wedding where everything needs to look
professional and buttoned up and collars down! Will this faux pas scar my fragile ego?! I felt fingers repositioning the
collar and a light, playful pat on the back that reassured me I was now
presentable! My good friend, Jim, was willing to risk a little bit of
uneasiness to help me out.
These
two occasions of visible foibles and failures remind me of several realities
brought to the forefront of my consciousness that I live by but often forget
unless brought out into the open. I would like to share them with you and see
if you have recognized the same thing.
First, I am thankful for people around me who care enough to risk. One
was a total stranger, the other was a total friend, but in both cases they
cared enough to step out of their own comfort zones and come to my rescue. This
makes me aware of how thankful I am and continue to be for those around me who
care enough to take a risk, step forward, and help me.
Indeed it was a risk, because I could have
acted in ways other than being thankful. What if I had reacted in the
restaurant with a superior attitude and told the total stranger it was none of
his business?! What if I had irritatingly swatted away the hand at my collar,
turning around to glower at my friend with a disapproving response? Ingratitude
can show up just as instantly as gratitude.
This is the month of Thanksgiving.
Usually my family carves out time to share what we are thankful for. I cannot
remember, at least on a conscious level, taking time to be thankful for the
people around me who care enough to risk and reach out to me in embarrassing
situations. But this is precisely why I live in church community and societal
community. I need community everywhere I turn to keep me on track. Admittedly,
vest on wrong and collar upturned are not the most embarrassing things in the
world. But they were concrete reminders that when things are not going well
with me, I need others around me who care!
Second, every time I step out
into the public I take a risk. We all have our own stories, don’t we?! We
understand all too well the risk we take when going out into public with
ourselves. Over the years, watching myself and others, I have noticed there are
several risks that we are vulnerable to.
We risk failure. Who wants to look like a failure?
And yet, that is how we learn! A particular job, a potential goal, a possible
friendship, etc. They all have to begin with a risk that accepts the
possibility of failure. The Christian writer Henri J. M. Nouwen once commented
about Jesus: It was precisely his freedom from the seduction
of success or the fear of failure that allowed him to be faithful to his
vocation and to persevere in his life-giving ministry .
We risk
rejection. We find out that some people may not like who we are, and do not
desire our company, and this is painful. We also risk blows to self-esteem.
“How could I have been so stupid,” we say to ourselves. We are our harshest
critic. We risk loneliness. Because of all of the times we refuse to take a
risk, we create our own cul-de-sac of misery with no clear exit. You can think
of many other risks we are vulnerable to. But without taking a risk we lose at
living life. In both of my cases, the doctor’s clinic/restaurant and the wedding chapel all represented my
participating in life—tests for health, sandwich for lunch, and celebration of
a new life together. Had I not risked, I would have missed so much!
Third, what I am blind to,
others see clearly. This is probably the most painful truth of all. I try
to live as if I am totally aware of myself at all times. But this is a tangible
reminder that I am not. I am blind to my faults. I am blind to my prejudices. I
am blind to my excuses and mistakes.
Self-awareness
is a hard thing to achieve. But one of
the healthiest things for me is to allow others to help me with my own vision
of self. I am too self-centered to see myself. I am too much in love with
myself to see myself. My universe revolves around me too much to see myself.
Alas! I am truly blind to seeing myself for who I actually am.
I seem
to most experience this when we are out at a restaurant and my wife graciously
informs me that I have catsup in my beard. Sometimes it is glowing red leftovers
of a cherry pie. But red, purple and mustard colors really show up in a white
beard! I have learned that if she were not present, I would often walk out of
the restaurant looking as if I dove head first into my plate.
Fourth, this teaches me to handle
myself with grace. For both the stranger and the friend, I responded with a
childish chuckle, and a friendly smile. I recognized instantly that this was a
moment that I needed to be forgiving toward myself.
For
thirty years now I have led small groups. We have a principle in small group
life called EGR. This means that “Extra Grace Required” is extended toward
needy individuals who join a group. I have also learned that I need to extend
EGR toward myself! I am needy, broken, mistake-prone and full of self. I can
only learn to extend EGR toward others if I first extend it to myself.
It is
ok to wear my vest wrong-side out and have my collar up-turned. It is ok
because it provides me a wonderful opportunity to extend grace to myself,
recognizing that the vest and the collar are but symbols for me to remember the mistakes and failures
of others. If I can forgive myself, accept myself, love myself with the help of
God, and the power of the risen Lord, enabled by the indwelling of His Holy
Spirit, then I can train myself to offer such grace to others.
Fifth, things on the outside affect
my inside. I cannot pretend that my external world does not affect my
internal world. It does. But I have to allow my inside world to be the
interpreter and shaper of the outside. If I live in the opposite way, allowing
the outside world to interpret and shape my inside world, than I become a
puppet and a victim to all that is outside my control.
Yes, I
am constantly affected by external events, stimuli, relationships, etc. But how I internalize all of those, and react
to them shapes my life. Losing a job definitely affects my inside. Losing a
friend definitely affects my inside. Being told I have cancer definitely affects
my inside. Making a financial mistake definitely affects my inside. The list is
endless!
I need
a word of guidance and a helpful tip when I am wearing my vest wrong-side out,
and my collar is turned up. My foibles and failures become the soil of grace in
which the seeds of acceptance are sown for me and others. Here is what Solomon,
the wise sage of Israel says about it:
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls,
but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”
Proverbs 11:14 (ESV)
In Christian love, Curtis
